Oscars 2014 in review: 12 Cheers a Slave

You will already of course be completely acclimatised with the full roster of winners and hot action from last night’s Academy Awards after following my smash-hit live blog all the night long.

But here’s a refresher of some of the highs and lows. Have a read, enjoy and then – like me – we can finally put this whole thing to bed.

Courtesy of Alex Dimond – http://alexhdimond.tumblr.com/ – @alexplosion

Biggest Winner: 12 Years a Slave
I don’t care how many awards Gravity picked up, Best Picture trumps them all hands down. Made all the sweeter for its big two wins going down to the wire, the utter jubilation shown by the cast and crew was so genuinely well deserved. Now let’s just hope that McQueen and Ridley (GREAT name for a cop team) can kiss and make up.

Biggest Loser: American Hustle
10 nominations to its name and not one measly little gold man to take home. Yet, and despite it being my favourite of the nine, it’s difficult to make a good case that any of Russell and his acolytes were robbed. Maybe the director himself had the biggest shout for his script, but you won’t find me suggesting that Spike Jonze didn’t deserve the Best Original Screenplay Oscar.

Best Line: Jim Carrey – “Don’t patronise me”
…at the surprised applause he received on mounting the stage to introduce another redundant hero montage. And as he dropped the justified innuendo that he was snubbed in the past by the Academy (not being nominated for Man on the Moon is among their most criminal omissions) and pulled out some of his rubber faced magic, I thought “Aw, Jim Carrey…we don’t see him enough any more”. Maybe he’d be a great host next year. Or maybe he should take my sage advice and begin taking more show stealing supporting roles in the mould of Christopher Lloyd. Smokin’.

Lupita Nyong’o winning the Best Supporting Actress Oscar (Courtesy of Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Biggest Hero: Lupita Nyong’o

With such raw nerves on show, it’s always great when the guests look like they’re genuinely enjoying themselves. And despite never having been near the event in her short career, Lupita absolutely lapped it up. She looked utterly stunning and even though I’m not convinced that – notwithstanding the poor quality of the category – her performance deserved the win, it was impossible to begrudge her the unadulterated joy of victory.

Biggest Villain: ……
God, I don’t know. Do we really need a villain? Why can’t we all just get along. Who’s everybody else saying? Ok, I may as well go with Woody Allen too then. Seems like a safe choice.

No, scrap that actually. I’ll got for the pizza delivery guy, for being part of that arduous, tiresome bunch of sketches.

Ooo ooo, or Pink or Bette Midler for their dreadful performances.

Or Harrison Ford for looking like he’d spent the erstwhile years since the last Indiana Jones movie absolutely tanking quaaludes.

Or Solomon Northup; notable by his absence even though the real Philomena Lee and Captain Phillips both made the effort to be there. 

In fact, there are loads to choose from.

 

And on that note of appraising such a litany of heinous acts, the circus doth endeth for another yeareth…or at least for two or three months when the speculation for the 87th Academy Awards commences once again.

I’m already excited…

Oscars 2014: Live blog

What? Best Picture already?

Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave

Wow, as in the film, Brad Pitt putting himself centre stage.

Steve McQueen’s mum waving. Shot of the night.

———

Oscars 2014: The Bloscars Predictions

The Oscars…bloody hell.

The last few months have been the usual gentle undulation of slight ups and barely detectable lows in the lead up to the 86th Academy Awards.

We saw 12 Years a Slave and Gravity shoot in to an early lead as favourites for the big awards and then…well, then they stayed there and still remain. We’ve had cheers (from me, when Nebraska finished) and tears (thanks in the main to the untimely and shocking deaths of Philip Seymour Hoffman and James Gandolfini).

But today the speculation/droning conjecture ends. Because today is the day when all the winners that we already know are going to win, finally win.

And with that kind of utter confidence, I guess I’d better nail the following predictions for all feature length contenders (because if it ain’t over an hour, I don’t give a fig). What I think will win is in gold, what I think should win is in bold and for both, well, it’s a classic gold and bold combo.

Courtesy of Alex Dimond – http://alexhdimond.tumblr.com/ – @alexplosion

Best Picture

In order of my favourites…

American Hustle
12 Years a Slave
Her
The Wolf of Wall Street
Captain Phillips
Philomena
Dallas Buyers Club
Gravity
Nebraska

But despite my strong inclinations for a chubby Christian Bale in a bad wig and even stronger inclinations for a sensational Jennifer Lawrence in a flouncy dress, there must be only one winner, Capt…hold on…I mean 12 Years a Slave. It has the historical significance, weight and – without wanting to make the obvious gag – gravity, that the film of the same name just doesn’t have. But plaudits on its worthiness play down the fact that it is a beautifully told and shot drama, and one that is far more interesting than its showy galactic rival.

Guest Picture: Nebraska

Read my review of Nebraska and it’ll quickly become clear that I think it’s an awful picture.

Luckily, wonderfully talented artist and general door fan (don’t ask) Gail Hodson-Walker is pretty much unable to create a bad pciture. Just take a look at the below for utter evidence.

Gail’s Tumblr – Gail’s Twitter

Courtesy of Gail Hodson-Walker – http://linea64.com/ – @gailyhw

And here’s Gail’s feline Guest Picture for Life of Pi last year.

Nebraska; 2013; Dir: Alexander Payne; Stars: Bruce Dern, Will Forte, June Squibb; 115 mins; 3/10; 6 nominations: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Bruce Dern), Best Supporting Actress (June Squibb), Best Original Screenplay (Bob Nelson), Best Cinematography (Phedon Papamichael)

Bloscars’ Best Picture chart

1.  American Hustle

2.  12 Years a Slave

3.  Her

4.  The Wolf of Wall Street

5.  Captain Phillips

6.  Philomena

7.  Dallas Buyers Club

8.  Gravity

9.  Nebraska

Guest Picture: Her

Ideally, I wanted to open this post with a joke about how if I was to ever fall in love with a computer operating system, I’d want it to have the Nottinghamshire tones of dear Natasha Searston.

But then I realised that I couldn’t do so without it sounding a) seedy; b) insulting; or c) seedy and insulting.

So I shall, instead, simply bid you to take a look at her vibrantly brilliant artwork for Spike Jonze’s Her, reviewed here by him…that is to say, me.

www.natashasearston.com – @natashasearston

Courtesy of Natasha Searston – http://www.natashasearston.com – @natashasearston

And Natasha produced this cineliterate Guest Picture for last year’s Best Picture winner Argo.

Her; 2013; Dir: Spike Jonze; Stars Joaquin Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson, Amy Adams; 126 mins; 8/10; 5 nominations: Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay (Spike Jonze), Best Original Score (Will Butler and Owen Pallett), Best Original Song: The Moon Song (Karen O and Spike Jonze), Best Production Design

Bloscars’ Best Picture chart

1.  American Hustle

2.  12 Years a Slave

3.  Her

4.  The Wolf of Wall Street

5.  Captain Phillips

6.  Philomena

7.  Dallas Buyers Club

8.  Gravity

9.  Nebraska

For Your Consideration: Her

Her (2013)

“It’s marmite.” God, there’s a phrase that’s become nauseatingly ubiquitous. That thing that some people like and some people don’t like; well, that’s marmite that is. Yea, that thing that definitely isn’t a disgusting yeast-extracted savoury spread, that thing that most certainly isn’t Marmite, well that, that’s marmite that is. That’s marmite. It’s marmite. Marmite. Do you see?

And I’d wager the measly value of all that I own (which, by the way, doesn’t include any jars of that blacker-than-black work of the devil) that somebody somewhere has described the very notion of a Spike Jonze movie set in the not-too-distant future about a recently divorced man falling in love with a computer operating system, as ‘marmite’.

Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoneix) is down. But, unlike me, it isn’t because everybody keeps using an annoying pseudo-synonym for the word ‘divisive’, rather its because his divorce has left him without a companion and without purpose. He downloads an operating system, Samantha, to help organise his life, which he luckily gets on with like a homepage on fire. Luckier still, it comes complete with the foxy vocals of Scarlett Johansson. Now that’s lucky.

This is high-concept sci-fi-lite stuff, but unlike something in the same bracket such as The Truman Show, it delivers fully on its promise.

Guest Picture: Gravity

Gravity is such an outstanding work of visual brilliance, I knew there was only one man who could do it justice. Nope, not Alfonso Cuarón. It’s that young buck Jon Hill.

And, when you think about it, Gravity and Jon have an awful lot in common: both look phenomenal, are ultimately shallow and can give you Sandra Bullock in her pants on demand.

Read more about the overrated Gravity here, and see more of the over-talented Jon Hill here: www.jon-hill.co.uk

Courtesy of Jon Hill – http://www.jon-hill.co.uk/

And Jon produced this equine Guest Picture for Django Unchained last year.

Gravity; 2013; Dir: Alfonso Cuarón; Stars: Sandra Bullock; George Clooney; 91 mins; 7/10; 10 nominations: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress (Sandra Bullock), Best Cinematography (Emmanuel Lubezki), Best Editing, Best Original Score (Steven Price), Best Visual Effects, Best Production Design, Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing

Bloscars’ Best Picture chart

1.  American Hustle

2.  12 Years a Slave

3.  The Wolf of Wall Street

4. Captain Phillips

5.  Philomena

6.  Dallas Buyers Club

7.  Gravity

8.  Nebraska

9.

Guest Picture: Philomena

Drawing a picture about Philomena – the real-life bittersweet account of an Irish pensioner’s search for the son taken from her 50-years beforehand, reviewed here – was always going to be an unenviable task. So that’s why I gave it to an unenviable gentleman…Mr Si Hill.

“Just do a picture of Alan Partridge shoving a blind Judi Dench into an American-style breakfast buffet”, I suggested.

But what he came up with may be even more moving…

www.SiHill.co.uk – @Siiighhill

Courtesy of Si Hill – http://www.SiHill.co.uk – @Siiighhill

And Simon produced this heartfelt Guest Picture for Silver Linings Playbook last year.

Philomena; 2013; Dir: Stephen Frears; Stars: Judi Dench; Steve Coogan; Anna Maxwell Martin; 98 mins; 8/10; 4 nominations: Best Picture, Best Actress (Judi Dench), Best Adapted Screenplay (Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope), Best Original Score (Alexandre Desplat)

Bloscars’ Best Picture chart

1.  American Hustle

2.  12 Years a Slave

3.  The Wolf of Wall Street

4. Captain Phillips

5.  Philomena

6.  Dallas Buyers Club

7.  Nebraska

8.

9.

Guest Picture: Dallas Buyers Club

“Do a picture on the film about the homophobic Aids cowboy, Jayne”, said I. “It’s got a name, you dreadful idiot”, responded she. “Good point”, I retorted, “do a picture on Dallas Buyers Club“. And she said, “Yes”.

And then this absolute beaut landed in my inbox.

‘Nuff said really. But if you disagree (rude!) then take a look at my review of the film and at Jayne’s shit-hot tumblr site thingy:

http://www.jaynelikestodraw.tumblr.com

Courtesy of Jayne Pankhurst – http://jaynelikestodraw.tumblr.com/

And Jayne produced this doe-eyed Guest Picture for Les Misérables last year.

Dallas Buyers Club; 2013; Dir: Jean-Marc Vallée; Stars: Matthew McConaughey; Jared Leto; Jennifer Garner; 117 mins; 7/10; 6 nominations: Best Picture, Best Actor (Matthew McConaughey), Best Supporting Actor (Jared Leto), Best Original Screenplay, Best Adapted Screenplay (Craig Borten and Melisa Wallack), Best Editing, Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Bloscars’ Best Picture chart

1.  American Hustle

2.  12 Years a Slave

3.  The Wolf of Wall Street

4. Captain Phillips

5.  Dallas Buyers Club

6.  Nebraska

7.

8.

9.

For Your Consideration: Dallas Buyers Club

Dallas Buyers Club (2013)

Finally, the Hollywood plot that the world’s been waiting for. You know, the one about the Aids-riddled homophobic bucking bronco rider. Starring Matthew McConaughey. And Jared Leto. In a dress. Finally.

And yet Jean-Marc Vallée’s biographical-ish account of Texan Ron Woodroof’s affliction avoids most of the traps that you might imagine it leaping straight in to. It lacks the mawkishness, insensitivty and ‘freak’ voyerism that I, for one, had expected to be showered with.

In fact, any preconceptions about this being a weekday afternoon human interest story about a terminally ill man hitting back at the medical industry that’s failing him, are thwarted within the first ten minutes. Woodroof’s seedy world is a suffocatingly nauseating place to be thrust into; unctuously sweating over with unprotected sex, casual drug taking and the odd smatter of fisty cuffs.